Words are the source of misunderstandings 
 Going to a country where you don't speak the language
is like wading into the sea when you can't swim.
As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences,
everything  gets  distorted.

One  day  I gonna  to  Malta  to a  big  hotel,  in  the  morning  I  go  down  to  eat  a  breakfast.  I  tell  the  waitress  that  I  want  two  pieces  of  toast.  She  brings  me  only  one  piece.  I  tell  her  "I  wanna  two  pieces".  She  say  "Go  to  the  toilet".  I  say  "you  don't  understand,  I wanna  two  pieces  on  my  plate".  She  say  to  me:  "you  better  not  piss  on  the  plate,  you  sonnawabitch".  I  do  not  even  know  this  lady  and  she  call  me  a  sonnawabitch  !!

Later I  go  to  eat  at  a  bigger  restaurant.  The  waiter  brings  me  a  spoon  and  a  knife  but  no  fork.  I  tell  her  "I  wanna  a  fork"  and  she  tell  me:  "everyone  wanna  f@?k ".  I  tell   her  "you don't  understand  me...  I  wanna  fork  on  the  table".  She  say:  "you   better  not  f@?k  on  the  table   you  sonnawabitch" .

So  I  go  back  to  my  room  in  my  hotel  and  there  is  no  sheets  on  the  bed.  I  call  the  manager  and  tell  him  "I  wanna  a  sheet".  he  tell  me  to  go  the  toilet.  I  say  "you  don't  understand  I  wanna  a  sheet  on  my  bed".  He  say: "you  better  not  shit  on  the  bed,  you  sonnawabitch".

I  go  to  the  check-out  and  the  man  at  the  desk  said  "peace  on  you",   and  I  say:  "Piss  on  you  too,  you  sonnawabicth".    I  gonna  back  to  Italy !

 

  


 

 

Funny  airline  pilot  announcements
left passengers in stitches and made you laugh.

Hi, I’m Captain Amanda Jokers.  Yes, I’m a female pilot, and as a benefit, if we get lost on the way, I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.  We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.  Please remain seated.  Position your seat belt tight, low, and across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra.  In a short time, we will serve refreshments.  Please remember that we are in the airline business, not the food business.  If you need an additional reading light, just push the button above your head with the lightbulb on it.  That’ll turn the light on.  However, if you push the button above your head with the flight attendant on it, it does not turn us on.  We’ll be landing as soon as we get closer to the ground.  In case of an emergency landing, air masks will drop from the overhead compartments. 

After a heavy landing, the pilot announced:  Folks, we will be arriving early today because we found a shortcut.  As you may already know, we have hit our destination.  Pack your bags and get out.  Please make sure you take all your belongings with you.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please don’t leave children or spouses.

 

         


To  travel  is  to  live

 

Travelers advisory:  Jet lag is for amateurs.

Airports:  The only place where drinking  8:00am is socially acceptable.

Airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

A hotel management:   We're sorry Instant Spouses not allowed.

A restaurant:   Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Travel documents:  You’ve never felt true fear until your passport isn’t where you think you left it.

 

Jobs fill your pockets, adventures fill your soul.  It’s bad manners to let a vacation wait.  I need a 6-month vacation twice a year !   You won’t get the holiday blues if you just keep booking vacations.  Traveling is like a chocolate box.  It doesn’t matter what you get.  All is good.  A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.  Kilometers are shorter than miles.  Save gas and take your next trip in kilometers.  I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.  I feel like most of my problems could be solved with a trip to...  anywhere.

At the end of the day, I'd rather have a lot of stories to tell than a full bank account.  I wish travel therapy was covered by my health insurance.

I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords !