Things people actually said in court, word for word,
were taken down by court reporters, 
who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

Most trials have stenographers recording everything being said;
they write down the good and the bad, and occasionally the ridiculous.

 

How could an innocent question like "Do you know me?" end up like this?  And why should lawyers never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer?
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know me ? "
She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you. "
The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? "
She again replied, " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him. "
The defense attorney almost died.  The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
" If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,  I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt. "

 

Judges are like umpires. Umpires don't make the rules; they apply them.


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